On Friday, Logan and the two Deadpool movies will crash Disney+’s family-friendly fare as the first R-rated movies on the platform, but Ryan Reynolds has a bone to pick with some of the beloved classics already streaming from the House of Mouse.
Reynolds took to Twitter to poke fun at “some Disney movies [that] should already be rated R for irreversible trauma.”
Twentieth Century Studios; Everett Collection
Reynolds posted four restricted, red rating cards for four films that, using context clues, one can easily decipher.
The first disclaimer reads: “The following beloved animated classic should NOT be approved for all audiences be they minors, miners, or bashful.” It’s rated R for “Breaking and entering. Borderline polyandry. Pretty sure those diamonds aren’t cruelty-free.”
Okay, so it’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, and while the “breaking and entering” is totally valid, we never know the martial status of those dwarves. Of course, if they’re just seven men living in sin, well, we might need to ramp this up to an NC-17.
And furthermore, those dwarves were busting out into song — of their own volition — while they mined, so that’s about as cruelty-free as you can get and still keep those carats intact.
The second film shouldn’t be approved for “dog lovers” because it features “Total ugly-cry inducing, straight-up murder of Old Yeller. Also, bear abuse.”
Reynolds has a point. They made the kid shoot his dog! If Old Yeller came out today, PETA would burn Epcot to the ground.
We’re supposed to announce Logan and Deadpool will soon be the first R-rated movies on Disney+. But we all know some Disney movies should already be rated R for irreversible trauma. pic.twitter.com/FoIbiwKhiG
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 21, 2022
The third film is rated R for “Fratricide. Mauling. Very possibly half-sibling lovin’, or at least kissin’ cousins. Seriously.”
Now, The Lion King (the animated one from 1994) is basically perfect, but if you weren’t Scarred (pun intended) by Mufasa (oooh, say it again) getting trampled by a herd of wildebeests, I have one question for you: Who hurt you?
But wait … were Simba and Nala related? I’m shook.
Finally, we have the grand-daddy, or rather grand-mommy, of Disney terror, Bambi. Reynolds argues this one should be rated R for “Cold-blooded killing of an innocent deer mom, that will cause lifelong trauma.”
Again, Reynolds has got a point. But, to put this in context, Disney has a serious fetish for orphans. Even Snow White had a dead mother in her background. In fact, if you look at pretty much any Disney animated movie, you can make a case for it being totally f—ed. Alice in Wonderland is basically a sanctioned drug trip. Cinderella (another orphan) is a victim of abuse at the hands of her stepmother and step-sisters. Lady and the Tramp … well, it’s right there in the name.
So is Deadpool or Logan really any worse than those trauma-inducing movies? Yes. A thousand times yes. Still, we’re glad they will finally be available on Disney+ so we can get ready for the eventual introduction of mutants into the MCU. Because that’s what this is all leading towards, right?
Right?!
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